My Old Blog

I had a blog on Myspace in 2006 and 2007 and I just reread it and found myself thinking that I should publish them here to remind myself that life does change and evolve and even gets better...these are the posts when we were apart heading toward divorce...I will do a second post with the posts of when we got back together which was on Thanksgiving 2006....

October 15, 2006
Sometimes it just feels like this ride I am on is never going to stop. Some days are better than others. The days of no contact with a certain someone make me feel stronger and more in control.

When I do not call or text or email him - I feel stronger and happier. When I see him or talk to him I either feel angry or sad or a little of both. I must be getting better at this because the anger seems to be the main theme now. The other problem is I continually laugh when I talk to him because it is all so ridiculous and that makes him MAD! I try not to laugh but sometimes it is the only way to get through the conversation.

I am living for me now and doing what makes me happy - doing what makes me laugh - doing what is right for me. I do not have to answer to anyone for my actions and my decisions. I am doing what feels right in my heart. For the first time in my life, I am the most important person in my life.


October 24, 2006
Sometimes I feel like I have abandoned you which is funny since you left me. I still feel like I have to take care of you which I can't because you need to do that for yourself. I worry about you and I miss you as a friend. I thought after two months this would be easier. Someday I hope that we can talk as friends and mend the hurt that has been caused. I am forever going to be here for you even though you don't think so. Please never forget that I love you and want what is best for you.......

October 25, 2006

I want to be the person that he runs to when everything crashes in. I can't fix him and I can't heal him - only God can do that. What I can be is a cushion for the fall. I want to be a refuge and a place of safety. The question is can I do this and keep my sanity at the same time? Do I really have a choice? Some say I do but how do you walk away from someone who has been your heart for almost 20 years? I wrestle with this question on a daily basis and I have not come to grips with an answer that puts both my heart and mind at rest. I know that my marriage will never be repaired but to think that I have lost my best friend is sometimes more than I can bear. When I think about how I can't just talk to him about my day - it causes a pain that is more than I can handle sometimes. Some days are better than others and then there are days like today when I feel like I am drowning. The sadness enfolds me and it feels like a prison and a cocoon at the same time. Everyone tells me it is ok to feel sad but at the same time they tell me I am better off. I don't feel any better off. I feel like there is a huge hole in the soul of me that is empty. Some days I feel so strong and feel like I can conquer the sadness but those days are few and far between. Most of the time I am struggling to keep above water. I WANT to be strong; I NEED to be strong but more than that I want to FEEL strong. I know I am strong but some days STRONG sucks. It is lonely - it is dark - and it hurts. I feel like I am frozen - I can't go back and I can't move forward. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am constantly apologizing for things beyond my control but I can't help it - because I so desparately want to control them. Somewhere somehow there will be a resolution but I am afraid of that resolution and what the consequences will be. I hope my fears are never realized and I want to be wrong but time will tell.

Chris, I highly doubt you are reading this but if you are - just know I love you and will be here for you whether you want me to be or not. I want you to be happy and live the life you so desparately want. If I am letting you go - do not let it be in vain. You are my heart - you are my best friend but it hurts to watch you right now.

November 13, 2006

Tonight through my tears I am saying goodbye...goodbye to my life as I know it as a happily married woman married to her best friend. The pain is heart wrenching - so fresh ~ so raw ~ too real. I say goodbye to a man who was my prince, my knight in shining armor, my future. I can no longer bear the pain and the hurt. It is too hard to be friends when the pain continues to tear me apart. I am trying so hard to keep it together and it does not appear to be working. Am I better off with him as a friend or just a distant memory? Everyone has their opinions but I guess the only one that matters is my own. Tonight a distant memory is what I am going with. So tonight I cry and let the pain feel real for once. I hate being alone in this house ~ so full of memories. I thought I could live here and make it work. Not happening...I am never here - emotionally or physically. So tonight I say goodbye to:

~snuggling on Sundays mornings ~kisses in the morning before hockey ~cooking for two ~ making love on rainy days ~ feeling his lips on my neck ~ laying in the sun in Aruba ~ watching him sleep ~ the smell of his cologne in the bathroom ~ his daily emails ~ this house ~ whispers in the candlelight ~ talks about the future ~ just hanging out on the couch ~ the life that we could have had ~ my heart skipping a beat when I see him walk in a room even after 17 years ~ reaching for him in the middle of the night after a bad dream ~ his laughter ~ his green eyes looking through me ~ feeling safe ~ feeling loved ~ wanting his happiness more than my own

The tears keep coming - they fall down my cheeks like a waterfall. My heart is broken and my soul is empty. The lies have taken their toll and I have given up all hope of being me again. He tells me to take it one day at a time. That is what I have done for 17 years in hopes that one day he would love me the way I love him. It never happened....and that is something I don't know if I can forgive or forget. The lies that I believed keep playing like movies in my head. So stupid to believe him but my heart wanted to believe that there was a chance for us.

November 17, 2006

I feel like all I do is change my mind but for once I think I made the right decision. The decision still hurts and it sucks. Is it too much to ask for some sleep and some peace? I guess it is since I haven't really found any. But for once I am going to stick with my decision and move on with my life and do what is good for me even if it sucks right now....

I am tired of talking about all this shit. I want to laugh, live and move on with someone new even. But for now it seems like I just need to be at peace and deal with the quiet. I don't like the quiet - it's scary. I need to listen to my heart and move forward knowing I am worth this.

November 23, 2006

Today is Thanksgiving. My parents are coming for breakfast and then I am heading to Plymouth for dinner with the Pilgrims...no only kidding just more family. This will be my first Thanksgiving in 17 years without my husband sitting next to me at the dinner table. Just writing that makes my heart ache. We are going to go to his parents for dessert together and probably hang out later. On a rainy day, it makes you think what you are truly thankful for:

~ parents who love me and accept me for all my faults and cheer me on in their own way

~ Rachel and Mark - two of my bestest friends who continually amaze me with their love and support and their open arms. They have opened their home to me on so many times and on so many different levels. I will forever be grateful for them.

~ Andrew, Robin, Kathryn and Felicia - in their own teenage wisdom I have found love, laughter and fun again. They have loved me to the point I feel like I can't be anymore loved. They are all so special and beautiful in their own ways. I can't wait to see what they are like as adults.

~ My job - my sanity and a place of safety and income. Some of the most caring people in the world have kept me safe and have given me slack that I may not have deserved but will be indebted for.

~ My friends and family who have loved me and supported and prayed for me. Your love was felt in the past three months and so appreciated and I am unable to put into words how valued I feel.

~ Finally for Chris. I will be forever grateful for the love I have shared with him for over 20 years. I have been in love with him longer than I have not. I am unsure what our relationship will be in the future but I know it will be between us only going forward. Somehow and someway it is still sacred and home.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone with much love!