My Old Blog Part II

December 10, 2006

I haven't posted in awhile because my life changes everyday and I am kind of tired of explaining myself and my situation. Let's start with the main issue:

I am back with Chris and I am happy....no explaination is necessary. He is my best friend and my husband and that is reason enough.

For those people who don't understand or think that I have completely lost my mind, that is fine you have a right to your opinion. I also have the right to make the choices for my life that will be best for me and my future.

I have made my choice and will stand by Chris through sickness and in health for richer or poorer and for better or worse. That was my vow....

For those of you who have been supportive through the past 3 months you have shown me what true love is. Just know that I am going to be fine and that I am happy.

December 30, 2006

Wow....2006 just sucked. That is all I can say. It is officially the worst year of my life. I am shocked still that things can go so wrong so quick. I am dumbfounded somedays. Every day seems to bring a new problem or a new issue. Some days I am strong and other days not so much. But that is nothing new. I am hoping that 2007 will be a better year in so many different ways.

This is what I hope for 2007:

~ I find peace, joy and happiness in little things every day

~ Chris can find a happiness that has eluded him for so long

~ Certain friends can make a marriage work and find joy in each other

~ I grow to love our new place and feel at "home"

~ Define boundaries with certain people in my life who do not agree with my life choices

~ Continue to find my way at work and feel "normal" and competent again

~ Be thankful every day that God has blessed me in ways I don't even know yet

~ Continue to support Chris and grow together stronger than we even imagine

I heard the following song last night and it sums up how I feel about Chris. Even after this hellish year - he is my everything in so many ways. God has found it fit that one of us always seems to hold it together when the other can't. I find peace in his arms and his heart pulls me to him. I am lost and alone without him and he is lost and alone without me. Sometimes it feels like it is us against the world. And you know what....I wouldn't have it any other way right now......

Find me here, speak to me
I want to feel you, I need to hear you
You are the light that's leading me to the place
Where I find peace again
You are the strength that keeps me walking
You are the hope that keeps me trusting
You are the life to my soul
You are my purpose
You're everything

And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this
You calm the storms and you give me rest
You hold me in your hands
You won't let me fall

You still my heart and you take my breath away
Would you take me in, take me deeper now
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this
Cause you're all I want, you're all I need

You're everything, everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
Everything, everything

March 7, 2007

Life has a funny way of doing just what you think won't happen. I think they call that irony :)

I am mad still at myself for giving up too easy this past fall. My faithfulness was tested and I failed miserably. Or was it just that I wanted to see what was out there or who was out there...

Am I giving up too much of myself to be where I am right now? That is a question that I don't want to answer right now. I am afraid of the answer and where I would be if I actually thought about it and answered that question.

I love a man who loves me but not as much as I love him in a romantic goofy sense. Is his companionship and friendship enough to be happy? There is another question I am unprepared to answer.

Why do I feel so strong but in reality don't want to deal with alot of shit that is sitting right in front of me. Somehow I think if I am good enough or smart enough I can change things which is not so true.

I want to be happy but right now my situation sucks.


March 21, 2007

It is now spring...one of my favorite seasons. It is a time for new beginnings and new starts. Everything becomes new again - fresh and bright. I need a new start - a ticket off this roller coaster which seems to be my life. I do not want to continue on the same path and continue to doubt who I am or what I believe to be true. I no longer want to wait for things to happen to me but to make things better for ME.

Why do I think I deserve nothing? Now there is a question.... I have pretty good self esteem but I don't think I deserve much for some reason. I just want everyone else to have what they need or want and that makes me happy. I have a hard time accepting help from people which is something else I don't really understand about myself. I feel like a two year old that wants to do everything by themselves with no outside assistance. And why can't I let things go and let other people take care of things that are not necessarily mine to take care of? I am always involved in helping other people with their shit so I don't have to look at mine maybe. And God knows I won't let anyone help me with my shit!! What am I so afraid of - why can't I admit when I need help? Sometimes I am drowning and there are people within arms reach and I refuse to reach out and get pulled to safety. There is something wrong with that picture.

There are a few people in my life I let in but still really only one person probably knows more than half of what is in my head. (Thanks Rachel) That makes me sad in some sense because I don't always let Chris in anymore because he has his own shit to deal with so why bother him with mine. I also probably don't let him in because I feel like he is just going to leave again and betray my heart so why take the chance?

That last statement opens a whole other can of worms. My whole life seems to revolve around if Chris stays or goes. Now that's healthy! Seriously what is up with that. I have lived without him and survived so I could do it again but I am not making his decision easy. Why can't he decide that he wants to be with me who is always there for him in thick or thin and loves him with no judgement? There is something pulling him away and it is not anything I can fight against. Part of me says just go - do it - be and do what you want without me. Another part of me says stay here and be with me forever. It boils down to the fact that I want him to make a final decision that he is not ready to make. Am I prepared to live my life based on his indecision? For now yes but it is a rough road.

I know that spring is here because I saw my first robin on Monday and crocus are peeking out of the dirt. Easter is around the corner and warm days are ahead. I look forward to the sun and spring warm rain. Maybe spring will bring some good changes in my life so my fresh start is not just a dream....

September 3, 2007

It hit me today like a big brick wall in the face...it was a year ago that my life fell apart and became a nightmare that I was unable to wake from.

Can I just say it has been a long year and full on unexpected events. Who would ever think this could happen to me? If there is someone out there that saw this coming - thanks for the heads up!

Everything now seems so fragile and tenuous. Nothing is set in stone - nothing is even and settled. I am constantly questioning my every move.

Some decisions I made in the past year were not smart but were a learning experience (Key West comes to mind...). Some decisions were hard but were the right way to go even though they were painful. Some decisions felt like someone else other than me made them (threatening to quit the job I love). While other decisions were not mine (Chris coming back) they felt empowering and made me stronger.

So many things have changed in the past year - relationships have ended; new ones have formed; people who I love are far away either in distance or relationship wise. I have distanced myself from people who I thought had my back but clearly had their own agenda. I have found friends who I did not think would be there but were spot on when I needed them.

Some things never change though. My parents constantly amaze me. They love me and Chris so much and want our happiness more than we do sometimes. My dad has had his own trauma this year but even in the moments shared with him before surgery his thoughts were for my wellbeing not his. It is this kind of love that lets me continue to hope.

My relationship with Chris continues to amaze me. He seems to think I am the strong one...he is so strong and has not figured out the depth of that strength yet. He is the one person who knows me and still loves every part of me and requires no explanation. Our relationship is so fragile and I constantly want to protect it. Sometimes I just want to move far away and start over but I know that there is so much here I would miss.

I guess a year in the whole scope of things is really small. But living it and being in it every day it can sometimes feel like a life time. I have learned alot in the past year that will be a part of me for the rest of my life - good and bad. But these are the things that shape who I am and who I am becoming and who I will be.

And to Chris - this is for you:

Then say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime;
Let me lead you from your solitude.
Say you need me with you, here beside you,
Anywhere you go, let me go too,
That's all I ask of you.