He's Just Not That Into You

I went to the movies last night with the hubby who will now be called C here. Also with us was my best friend, R and her two daughters and a one of their friends. I thought the movie was just a goofy comedy. Some parts were but other parts were not funny at all.

Two scenes stand out. The first is a married couple in Home Depot and he just blurts out to his wife that he slept with someone. Her back is turned to him and her facial expression that I saw was so familiar. It is probably the same expression I had over 2 years ago when C said he was going to leave. A mixture of this is not happening; I knew this was coming and the knowledge that things are going to change very quickly.

The other scene is a guy and girl discussing how she should not be with him because he is everything that she is trying to avoid. She says he breaks all of his rules that he had told her previously about what to avoid in men and he says "You are my exception". At that moment, I understood. A tear came to my eye and I realized - I am C's exception.

You see, C for all intents and purposes is attracted to men but for some reason I am the exception. We have been married for almost 19 years and have been best friends for 23 years. We have been through so much together and against all odds we somehow to manage to stay together.

I struggle daily with why I am the exception to the rule. Why he chooses me over a life with a man. We do not have any children so that is not the reason. I am not stunningly beautiful nor I am a genius. I guess what I am is in love with him and I truly accept who is he to the core. He knows everything about me and still loves me and I know everything about him and I still love him. We can make each other laugh and we can make each other cry. We have a relationship that more is said with a look or a glance than with words.

C had been treated for depression in the past and it was well managed by meds. But 2 1/2 years ago, he changed. Life went from a normal pace to a frantic pace. Chris was no longer depressed but manic. In August of 2006, he decided to quit his 20+ years of employment with his dad and to leave our 16 year marriage to explore his attraction to men. I was devastated but if that is what he wanted I could deal. What I could not deal with was his behavior - he changed from a gentle mild mannered man to a ego driven rude person that I did not know. He was verbally abusive which is something I had never experienced in my entire life. C and I saw a counselor and she confirmed what I believed to be true - C was bipolar. C was acting just like his mother who was also bipolar and refused to be medicated. C continued on his rants and raves for 3 months calling me at all hours of the night to scream and yell and would show up at my work or at our home to let me know what else he was unhappy with. I filed for divorce and faced the fact we were going to lose our home and financial diaster was on the horizon.

Finally, C ran out of money and friends and life was not what he expected. He finally filled the prescription for Depakote and in two weeks time he was back to the old C. The night before Thanksgiving, C told me he wanted to come back to the marriage as he could only find true happiness with me. Our divorce hearing was scheduled for the end of January. I told him he could come home and he had until the end of January to make his final decision. In January, he told me he had made his decision. He wanted our marriage to work and it was enough for him.

So here I am two years later, still questioning if I am enough. C has not given me any reason to feel like I am not enough. We have a good life with friends and family (mostly mine but that is a whole other post). We have a sex life - not as often as I would like but it exists. Sometimes I feel too clingy and other times I feel distant and disconnected to C. Most of the time I am content but then my mind goes into a spiral and I question everything.

So my journey, this blog, is my search for acceptance of myself as enough. My acceptance of a non-conventional mixed orientation marriage. My life as the wife of a gay man. My acceptance of the woman that my husband chooses to love and spend his life. You are welcome to come along the journey and feel free to comment.