My Old Blog Part II

December 10, 2006

I haven't posted in awhile because my life changes everyday and I am kind of tired of explaining myself and my situation. Let's start with the main issue:

I am back with Chris and I am happy....no explaination is necessary. He is my best friend and my husband and that is reason enough.

For those people who don't understand or think that I have completely lost my mind, that is fine you have a right to your opinion. I also have the right to make the choices for my life that will be best for me and my future.

I have made my choice and will stand by Chris through sickness and in health for richer or poorer and for better or worse. That was my vow....

For those of you who have been supportive through the past 3 months you have shown me what true love is. Just know that I am going to be fine and that I am happy.

December 30, 2006

Wow....2006 just sucked. That is all I can say. It is officially the worst year of my life. I am shocked still that things can go so wrong so quick. I am dumbfounded somedays. Every day seems to bring a new problem or a new issue. Some days I am strong and other days not so much. But that is nothing new. I am hoping that 2007 will be a better year in so many different ways.

This is what I hope for 2007:

~ I find peace, joy and happiness in little things every day

~ Chris can find a happiness that has eluded him for so long

~ Certain friends can make a marriage work and find joy in each other

~ I grow to love our new place and feel at "home"

~ Define boundaries with certain people in my life who do not agree with my life choices

~ Continue to find my way at work and feel "normal" and competent again

~ Be thankful every day that God has blessed me in ways I don't even know yet

~ Continue to support Chris and grow together stronger than we even imagine

I heard the following song last night and it sums up how I feel about Chris. Even after this hellish year - he is my everything in so many ways. God has found it fit that one of us always seems to hold it together when the other can't. I find peace in his arms and his heart pulls me to him. I am lost and alone without him and he is lost and alone without me. Sometimes it feels like it is us against the world. And you know what....I wouldn't have it any other way right now......

Find me here, speak to me
I want to feel you, I need to hear you
You are the light that's leading me to the place
Where I find peace again
You are the strength that keeps me walking
You are the hope that keeps me trusting
You are the life to my soul
You are my purpose
You're everything

And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this
You calm the storms and you give me rest
You hold me in your hands
You won't let me fall

You still my heart and you take my breath away
Would you take me in, take me deeper now
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this
Cause you're all I want, you're all I need

You're everything, everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
Everything, everything

March 7, 2007

Life has a funny way of doing just what you think won't happen. I think they call that irony :)

I am mad still at myself for giving up too easy this past fall. My faithfulness was tested and I failed miserably. Or was it just that I wanted to see what was out there or who was out there...

Am I giving up too much of myself to be where I am right now? That is a question that I don't want to answer right now. I am afraid of the answer and where I would be if I actually thought about it and answered that question.

I love a man who loves me but not as much as I love him in a romantic goofy sense. Is his companionship and friendship enough to be happy? There is another question I am unprepared to answer.

Why do I feel so strong but in reality don't want to deal with alot of shit that is sitting right in front of me. Somehow I think if I am good enough or smart enough I can change things which is not so true.

I want to be happy but right now my situation sucks.


March 21, 2007

It is now spring...one of my favorite seasons. It is a time for new beginnings and new starts. Everything becomes new again - fresh and bright. I need a new start - a ticket off this roller coaster which seems to be my life. I do not want to continue on the same path and continue to doubt who I am or what I believe to be true. I no longer want to wait for things to happen to me but to make things better for ME.

Why do I think I deserve nothing? Now there is a question.... I have pretty good self esteem but I don't think I deserve much for some reason. I just want everyone else to have what they need or want and that makes me happy. I have a hard time accepting help from people which is something else I don't really understand about myself. I feel like a two year old that wants to do everything by themselves with no outside assistance. And why can't I let things go and let other people take care of things that are not necessarily mine to take care of? I am always involved in helping other people with their shit so I don't have to look at mine maybe. And God knows I won't let anyone help me with my shit!! What am I so afraid of - why can't I admit when I need help? Sometimes I am drowning and there are people within arms reach and I refuse to reach out and get pulled to safety. There is something wrong with that picture.

There are a few people in my life I let in but still really only one person probably knows more than half of what is in my head. (Thanks Rachel) That makes me sad in some sense because I don't always let Chris in anymore because he has his own shit to deal with so why bother him with mine. I also probably don't let him in because I feel like he is just going to leave again and betray my heart so why take the chance?

That last statement opens a whole other can of worms. My whole life seems to revolve around if Chris stays or goes. Now that's healthy! Seriously what is up with that. I have lived without him and survived so I could do it again but I am not making his decision easy. Why can't he decide that he wants to be with me who is always there for him in thick or thin and loves him with no judgement? There is something pulling him away and it is not anything I can fight against. Part of me says just go - do it - be and do what you want without me. Another part of me says stay here and be with me forever. It boils down to the fact that I want him to make a final decision that he is not ready to make. Am I prepared to live my life based on his indecision? For now yes but it is a rough road.

I know that spring is here because I saw my first robin on Monday and crocus are peeking out of the dirt. Easter is around the corner and warm days are ahead. I look forward to the sun and spring warm rain. Maybe spring will bring some good changes in my life so my fresh start is not just a dream....

September 3, 2007

It hit me today like a big brick wall in the face...it was a year ago that my life fell apart and became a nightmare that I was unable to wake from.

Can I just say it has been a long year and full on unexpected events. Who would ever think this could happen to me? If there is someone out there that saw this coming - thanks for the heads up!

Everything now seems so fragile and tenuous. Nothing is set in stone - nothing is even and settled. I am constantly questioning my every move.

Some decisions I made in the past year were not smart but were a learning experience (Key West comes to mind...). Some decisions were hard but were the right way to go even though they were painful. Some decisions felt like someone else other than me made them (threatening to quit the job I love). While other decisions were not mine (Chris coming back) they felt empowering and made me stronger.

So many things have changed in the past year - relationships have ended; new ones have formed; people who I love are far away either in distance or relationship wise. I have distanced myself from people who I thought had my back but clearly had their own agenda. I have found friends who I did not think would be there but were spot on when I needed them.

Some things never change though. My parents constantly amaze me. They love me and Chris so much and want our happiness more than we do sometimes. My dad has had his own trauma this year but even in the moments shared with him before surgery his thoughts were for my wellbeing not his. It is this kind of love that lets me continue to hope.

My relationship with Chris continues to amaze me. He seems to think I am the strong one...he is so strong and has not figured out the depth of that strength yet. He is the one person who knows me and still loves every part of me and requires no explanation. Our relationship is so fragile and I constantly want to protect it. Sometimes I just want to move far away and start over but I know that there is so much here I would miss.

I guess a year in the whole scope of things is really small. But living it and being in it every day it can sometimes feel like a life time. I have learned alot in the past year that will be a part of me for the rest of my life - good and bad. But these are the things that shape who I am and who I am becoming and who I will be.

And to Chris - this is for you:

Then say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime;
Let me lead you from your solitude.
Say you need me with you, here beside you,
Anywhere you go, let me go too,
That's all I ask of you.

My Old Blog

I had a blog on Myspace in 2006 and 2007 and I just reread it and found myself thinking that I should publish them here to remind myself that life does change and evolve and even gets better...these are the posts when we were apart heading toward divorce...I will do a second post with the posts of when we got back together which was on Thanksgiving 2006....

October 15, 2006
Sometimes it just feels like this ride I am on is never going to stop. Some days are better than others. The days of no contact with a certain someone make me feel stronger and more in control.

When I do not call or text or email him - I feel stronger and happier. When I see him or talk to him I either feel angry or sad or a little of both. I must be getting better at this because the anger seems to be the main theme now. The other problem is I continually laugh when I talk to him because it is all so ridiculous and that makes him MAD! I try not to laugh but sometimes it is the only way to get through the conversation.

I am living for me now and doing what makes me happy - doing what makes me laugh - doing what is right for me. I do not have to answer to anyone for my actions and my decisions. I am doing what feels right in my heart. For the first time in my life, I am the most important person in my life.


October 24, 2006
Sometimes I feel like I have abandoned you which is funny since you left me. I still feel like I have to take care of you which I can't because you need to do that for yourself. I worry about you and I miss you as a friend. I thought after two months this would be easier. Someday I hope that we can talk as friends and mend the hurt that has been caused. I am forever going to be here for you even though you don't think so. Please never forget that I love you and want what is best for you.......

October 25, 2006

I want to be the person that he runs to when everything crashes in. I can't fix him and I can't heal him - only God can do that. What I can be is a cushion for the fall. I want to be a refuge and a place of safety. The question is can I do this and keep my sanity at the same time? Do I really have a choice? Some say I do but how do you walk away from someone who has been your heart for almost 20 years? I wrestle with this question on a daily basis and I have not come to grips with an answer that puts both my heart and mind at rest. I know that my marriage will never be repaired but to think that I have lost my best friend is sometimes more than I can bear. When I think about how I can't just talk to him about my day - it causes a pain that is more than I can handle sometimes. Some days are better than others and then there are days like today when I feel like I am drowning. The sadness enfolds me and it feels like a prison and a cocoon at the same time. Everyone tells me it is ok to feel sad but at the same time they tell me I am better off. I don't feel any better off. I feel like there is a huge hole in the soul of me that is empty. Some days I feel so strong and feel like I can conquer the sadness but those days are few and far between. Most of the time I am struggling to keep above water. I WANT to be strong; I NEED to be strong but more than that I want to FEEL strong. I know I am strong but some days STRONG sucks. It is lonely - it is dark - and it hurts. I feel like I am frozen - I can't go back and I can't move forward. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am constantly apologizing for things beyond my control but I can't help it - because I so desparately want to control them. Somewhere somehow there will be a resolution but I am afraid of that resolution and what the consequences will be. I hope my fears are never realized and I want to be wrong but time will tell.

Chris, I highly doubt you are reading this but if you are - just know I love you and will be here for you whether you want me to be or not. I want you to be happy and live the life you so desparately want. If I am letting you go - do not let it be in vain. You are my heart - you are my best friend but it hurts to watch you right now.

November 13, 2006

Tonight through my tears I am saying goodbye...goodbye to my life as I know it as a happily married woman married to her best friend. The pain is heart wrenching - so fresh ~ so raw ~ too real. I say goodbye to a man who was my prince, my knight in shining armor, my future. I can no longer bear the pain and the hurt. It is too hard to be friends when the pain continues to tear me apart. I am trying so hard to keep it together and it does not appear to be working. Am I better off with him as a friend or just a distant memory? Everyone has their opinions but I guess the only one that matters is my own. Tonight a distant memory is what I am going with. So tonight I cry and let the pain feel real for once. I hate being alone in this house ~ so full of memories. I thought I could live here and make it work. Not happening...I am never here - emotionally or physically. So tonight I say goodbye to:

~snuggling on Sundays mornings ~kisses in the morning before hockey ~cooking for two ~ making love on rainy days ~ feeling his lips on my neck ~ laying in the sun in Aruba ~ watching him sleep ~ the smell of his cologne in the bathroom ~ his daily emails ~ this house ~ whispers in the candlelight ~ talks about the future ~ just hanging out on the couch ~ the life that we could have had ~ my heart skipping a beat when I see him walk in a room even after 17 years ~ reaching for him in the middle of the night after a bad dream ~ his laughter ~ his green eyes looking through me ~ feeling safe ~ feeling loved ~ wanting his happiness more than my own

The tears keep coming - they fall down my cheeks like a waterfall. My heart is broken and my soul is empty. The lies have taken their toll and I have given up all hope of being me again. He tells me to take it one day at a time. That is what I have done for 17 years in hopes that one day he would love me the way I love him. It never happened....and that is something I don't know if I can forgive or forget. The lies that I believed keep playing like movies in my head. So stupid to believe him but my heart wanted to believe that there was a chance for us.

November 17, 2006

I feel like all I do is change my mind but for once I think I made the right decision. The decision still hurts and it sucks. Is it too much to ask for some sleep and some peace? I guess it is since I haven't really found any. But for once I am going to stick with my decision and move on with my life and do what is good for me even if it sucks right now....

I am tired of talking about all this shit. I want to laugh, live and move on with someone new even. But for now it seems like I just need to be at peace and deal with the quiet. I don't like the quiet - it's scary. I need to listen to my heart and move forward knowing I am worth this.

November 23, 2006

Today is Thanksgiving. My parents are coming for breakfast and then I am heading to Plymouth for dinner with the Pilgrims...no only kidding just more family. This will be my first Thanksgiving in 17 years without my husband sitting next to me at the dinner table. Just writing that makes my heart ache. We are going to go to his parents for dessert together and probably hang out later. On a rainy day, it makes you think what you are truly thankful for:

~ parents who love me and accept me for all my faults and cheer me on in their own way

~ Rachel and Mark - two of my bestest friends who continually amaze me with their love and support and their open arms. They have opened their home to me on so many times and on so many different levels. I will forever be grateful for them.

~ Andrew, Robin, Kathryn and Felicia - in their own teenage wisdom I have found love, laughter and fun again. They have loved me to the point I feel like I can't be anymore loved. They are all so special and beautiful in their own ways. I can't wait to see what they are like as adults.

~ My job - my sanity and a place of safety and income. Some of the most caring people in the world have kept me safe and have given me slack that I may not have deserved but will be indebted for.

~ My friends and family who have loved me and supported and prayed for me. Your love was felt in the past three months and so appreciated and I am unable to put into words how valued I feel.

~ Finally for Chris. I will be forever grateful for the love I have shared with him for over 20 years. I have been in love with him longer than I have not. I am unsure what our relationship will be in the future but I know it will be between us only going forward. Somehow and someway it is still sacred and home.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone with much love!

Why?

Why is it that I still feel that people disapprove of my choices? The other thing is why do I care?

I sometimes feel that people don't understand what Chris and I share. They think that we stay together for financial reasons or for some other reason. The truth is for 2 1/2 years I have done everything to push Chris away to make sure he stays because he wants to not because he needs to. I want him to be happy and be the best he can be whether it is with me or without me. I don't ever want him to regret his choice to remain in our marriage.

My pushing has been hard as Chris keeps pulling me back to him and back to his heart. It feels like a tug of war. Recently I have given up on the pushing and have accepted the pull Chris has for me. I feel more at peace - more calm - more centered and the happiest I have been in a long time. I have decided to accept Chris' decision to stay and not to try to question his decision even though I don't understand the decision sometimes.

So if I can accept his decision and can live more happily - why is there still the dark storm clouds in the distance. The ever impending storm of doom and gloom. I know that Chris is my umbrella but I don't want him to be soaked by that doom and gloom.

My challenge is to stop looking in the distance at those clouds and keep my face towards the sun knowing that I have a wonderful man who loves me by my side.

So for all of you who don't understand - it's ok. If you have a question - ask it. But don't rain on my party...

14 Reasons I Know He Loves Me....

Happy Valentines Day everyone! In honor of this holiday for lovers - I thought I would list 14 reasons why I know C loves me and maybe through these I can see why I should let him love me!

1. He is my best friend and someone I can tell anything to and he will accept me totally no matter what.

2. He can make me laugh anytime anywhere and makes me love him more with every laugh.

3. He sends me flowers at work just because he knows they will make me smile.

4. He lets me listen to my IPod in the car on long drives even though most of my music is not his style.

5. He tries to see the best in people and always has a compliment for me when I feel low.

6. He drives on the least curvy roads when I am asleep in the car so not to wake me up.

7. He sleeps in a freezing cold bedroom because I have to sleep in a cold room but he hates the cold.

8. He never complains that I snore.

9. When we are with a group of people sometimes he will look my way and give me wink that makes me melt.

10. He loves my parents almost as much as I do even though they can be a bit crazy sometimes.

11. He always ends a phone call with me with a heartfelt "I love you"

12. He is not above going to a chick flick movie if he knows it is something I want to see.

13. He has given his all to his mental health even when he felt like it wasn't worth doing but knew I would be heartbroken if he did not try.

14. He has chosen to stay in an unconventional marriage with me and has done everything possible to love me unconditionally and to make the marriage work and even thrive


Now tell me a reason why you know you are loved....and get that warm and fuzzy feeling you get when you think of that certain someone. Happy Valentine's Day!!!

He's Just Not That Into You

I went to the movies last night with the hubby who will now be called C here. Also with us was my best friend, R and her two daughters and a one of their friends. I thought the movie was just a goofy comedy. Some parts were but other parts were not funny at all.

Two scenes stand out. The first is a married couple in Home Depot and he just blurts out to his wife that he slept with someone. Her back is turned to him and her facial expression that I saw was so familiar. It is probably the same expression I had over 2 years ago when C said he was going to leave. A mixture of this is not happening; I knew this was coming and the knowledge that things are going to change very quickly.

The other scene is a guy and girl discussing how she should not be with him because he is everything that she is trying to avoid. She says he breaks all of his rules that he had told her previously about what to avoid in men and he says "You are my exception". At that moment, I understood. A tear came to my eye and I realized - I am C's exception.

You see, C for all intents and purposes is attracted to men but for some reason I am the exception. We have been married for almost 19 years and have been best friends for 23 years. We have been through so much together and against all odds we somehow to manage to stay together.

I struggle daily with why I am the exception to the rule. Why he chooses me over a life with a man. We do not have any children so that is not the reason. I am not stunningly beautiful nor I am a genius. I guess what I am is in love with him and I truly accept who is he to the core. He knows everything about me and still loves me and I know everything about him and I still love him. We can make each other laugh and we can make each other cry. We have a relationship that more is said with a look or a glance than with words.

C had been treated for depression in the past and it was well managed by meds. But 2 1/2 years ago, he changed. Life went from a normal pace to a frantic pace. Chris was no longer depressed but manic. In August of 2006, he decided to quit his 20+ years of employment with his dad and to leave our 16 year marriage to explore his attraction to men. I was devastated but if that is what he wanted I could deal. What I could not deal with was his behavior - he changed from a gentle mild mannered man to a ego driven rude person that I did not know. He was verbally abusive which is something I had never experienced in my entire life. C and I saw a counselor and she confirmed what I believed to be true - C was bipolar. C was acting just like his mother who was also bipolar and refused to be medicated. C continued on his rants and raves for 3 months calling me at all hours of the night to scream and yell and would show up at my work or at our home to let me know what else he was unhappy with. I filed for divorce and faced the fact we were going to lose our home and financial diaster was on the horizon.

Finally, C ran out of money and friends and life was not what he expected. He finally filled the prescription for Depakote and in two weeks time he was back to the old C. The night before Thanksgiving, C told me he wanted to come back to the marriage as he could only find true happiness with me. Our divorce hearing was scheduled for the end of January. I told him he could come home and he had until the end of January to make his final decision. In January, he told me he had made his decision. He wanted our marriage to work and it was enough for him.

So here I am two years later, still questioning if I am enough. C has not given me any reason to feel like I am not enough. We have a good life with friends and family (mostly mine but that is a whole other post). We have a sex life - not as often as I would like but it exists. Sometimes I feel too clingy and other times I feel distant and disconnected to C. Most of the time I am content but then my mind goes into a spiral and I question everything.

So my journey, this blog, is my search for acceptance of myself as enough. My acceptance of a non-conventional mixed orientation marriage. My life as the wife of a gay man. My acceptance of the woman that my husband chooses to love and spend his life. You are welcome to come along the journey and feel free to comment.